Insomnia and ghosts

​I don’t know if I’ve written about the way sleep hates me before but if I have then I’m going to do it again now. 

I’ve never been the person who closes their eyes and drifts off to sleep immediately. Jeepers Creepers 2 ruined my life when I was little.

I had an irrational fear of fields, scarecrows, yellow school buses and finding someone’s belly button in the street. 

The Sixth Sense also ruined a generation of children who just wanted to go pee in the middle of the night and not see that shotgun boy in the hallway or Mischa Barton being sick under their bed.

I would tell my mum or dad that I was not going to sleep at all. I’d sit up in bed with my back against the wall, screw my face up and fold my tiny arms over my chest. And wake up in that position, suspicious and vengeful but well rested the next morning.

If only I could sleep like that now!

At one point it seemed like I just stopped sleeping at all. I started to feel physically ill about going to bed and lying there awake, not even thinking about things, just an empty, urgent, wired feeling that I didn’t want to do anything at all, even sleep.

It nearly felt like I didn’t even need sleep and I’d turned into a weird, sleepless, blurry robot stuck twenty thousand leagues under the sea.

People would be still be talking to me as though I was a normal person, asking me questions like ‘What are you doing today?’ and ‘Do you want to get something to eat?’ and I’d feel like can’t you see that I’m a weird sleepless blurry robot stuck twenty thousand leagues under the sea? How do I answer you?      

I don’t feel like that anymore but I’ve become a freakishly light sleeper. I swear I once heard my neighbour push a plug into their wall and awoke outraged at the audacity.

Playing ‘9 HOURS of RAIN on a TENT 8 hour loop’ on Youtube helped for a while. The random capitalisation of the title really draws you in.

In my darkest moments I tried ‘5 of the Best Sleep Guided Meditations (Combined into one seamless recording)‘. It’s too weird for words, so weird that your brain shuts off just to get away from it. At that point, that was okay with me. 

But after the first few nights I started to recognise parts and work out where I was, so I would hear the end coming and it would make me feel worse than if I just lay there in silence without a measure of time.

Lavender helps to an extent I think, more because of the routine of spraying it before bed than the actual smell of lavender making me sleepy. Does that smell really make anyone sleepy? It’s an assault on the senses to be confronted with it at pillow range. 

Same for all the pillow sprays, kalms, sleepeaze, feather & down, body lotions etc. that are supposed to knock you out.

I tried sleeping pills but they gave me weird dreams and I’d wake up in the middle of the night, shivering and drenched in sweat. I’d need to exit the bed and come back to myself for a bit which is just as exhausting as not sleeping.

Being on holiday helps sometimes. All that sun gives me sweet dreams.

When I was travelling about I could sleep anywhere, any time. I could fall asleep on a train or a bus for a controlled five minutes or two hours and wake up again exactly when I wanted to. I wouldn’t even set an alarm and it was the most freeing feeling in the world, like being a giant cat. But it went away as soon as I came home to the rain again. 

If anyone out there knows some sleeping tips please let me know. I want them.

I’m going write more regularly this week, I’ve been bad at it lately. I’ve been keeping up with the Kardashians more than this diary.

JESUS Tristan. It’s too much.

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