Growing pains

I’ve been wondering what to write about because things have been good recently, although my boiler broke and my cushion still isn’t done… Anyway I’ve been happy and thinking about getting old.

I was just innocently minding my own business, listening to old songs and enjoying the trip down memory lane.

A song crept up on me that I’d forgotten about. I remember listening to this song one day with my friend, scrambling like maniacs to get in the car and make it to the train station on time.

It was summer and that time of the night when the sun’s going down and everything’s all nice and red and warm.

We both had red lipstick on and were frantically trying to find something to blot with, so we could smoke a cigarette before we had to get out of the car and run for the train (sorry Dad). We settled on a CD that I still have in my car with its lipstick kisses on each side.

We were dressed up weird for a party and this song was playing and I had that good feeling in my tummy. When I play it back in my head it could go on forever. 

Things have changed since then that I could never have imagined worrying about, and I wish I had the ability to go back in time and know how good that was whilst it was happening. Or just let me hide there for a second and work it out.

I can’t remember one thing I was worried about in that moment even though I know there must have been plenty. Truthfully aren’t we all in a constant state of worry? I’m worried about not being worried enough. 

I feel so worried that something bad will happen, and I also feel worried that if something bad were to happen, I wouldn’t have good things like that song to think back on… because I’ve been too busy worrying about bad things happening, before they even happen.

I genuinely feel afraid to say some things out loud in case I coincidentally curse them and set some sort of chain of events in motion and they actually happen.

I’m nearly twenty-five and I read so many “creepy true stories” today that I was scared to use the hairdryer in the house alone. But if they are true then God dammit I need to know!

Big changes are coming from all angles and it feels like I’m being forced into a game of chess I don’t want to play. Or trying to count and squeeze all my blessings before anything bad can happen to them. I feel too many parallels with Harry Potter???

I feel a crushing pressure that I don’t know what’s going to be gone next and it’s scary. Those thoughts are like a sea and I feel like I could drown in them sometimes.

But I know I’m not alone, I know we’re all sort of freaking out.

I used to imagine that feeling was something to get over. Whether you dealt with it by not talking about it, doing anything to take your mind off it, or give in to it, cry about it, obsess over it – everybody does something. 

Now I’m starting to think feeling like that (grief? anxiety? depression?) isn’t necessarily something that happens once, you pick your poison, get over it and then never see it again.

I think eventually it’ll come back around. And to be honest I can’t help but feel a little disappointed in myself when it does. But it gets lighter and shorter.    

There will still be times where the sun’s going down and everything’s all nice and red.

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