Bleaching disaster

Today I’m thinking about hair. Scornfully.

I’ve been trying to grow my hair for about a decade now and every time it grows to a point where it could be categorically considered ‘long’, I lose the plot and cut it all off. 

I become convinced it’s unhealthy and crunchy, because it is, and that I must exterminate all of the split ends before they can travel up my hair shaft and the world ends. Am I doing it wrong?

Should I just let it grow long and crazy past the length I want and then get it cut? Has this worked for anyone? Please tell me.

I’ve tried everything to make it grow back over the years. I’ve sat with eggs, actual raw eggs, on my head mixed in with avocado (?) and oil. Oh God, the oil.

Argan oil, jojoba oil and coconut oil – I’ve slept with them all and still my hair isn’t long. 

I painstakingly read the ingredient lists on all my hair products and binned the bad stuff, which was a complete pain in the dick. Exorcising all the bad products was hard… I felt like I had so many phoney friends pretending to be good for my hair when they were really all full of sulfates and silicones.

So many times I’d be standing in the shower, reading over a label to pass the obligatory long conditioner-seeping-in time, thinking I was glad at least this product was okay, only to read more closely and think Cyclopentasiloxane you bastard how did I miss you! And feel obliged to bin yet another product.

I’ve tried rubbing that Grow Gorgeous Hair Growth Serum into my head every night too. It smells incredible and surprisingly doesn’t make your hair greasy but who can be bothered rubbing it into their scalp for four minutes every day? Who the hell is out there doing this?

Well I know actually, because I’ve watched them all on Youtube. Video after video of girls with freakishly long hair who say the secret is massaging your scalp every day, when in reality they probably just had a mother who didn’t let them cut or dye their hair.

From somewhere within my conscience I can hear Christopher Walken’s voice saying ‘your hair, you must keep rubbing it, always’. 

I don’t know where that’s coming from but I can hear it in my head.

And I tried to do it but it’s so so boring. Plus after I bought the hair growth serum I noticed they sold an ‘Intense’ version. Typical!

It’s like when I first bought St Tropez shower tan and realised I’d picked up the ‘Light’ one. Who is this for? What sad-sack commits to fake tan and doesn’t want to at least try and take it too far?

I think my hair just doesn’t seem to grow anymore since it was bleached into the stratosphere. You ever wake up and have that feeling you’re going to go buy bleach and ruin your life? Even when it’s box-dye black? Fifteen year old me did and she’s still sorry for it now.

I’d already dyed a bit of my fringe blue and I was feeling cute and able. My hair was thicc and juicy and so, so black. I had no idea what I was doing.

The experience of going from black to yellow in one day without professional help or olaplex is shocking and frightening. The shades of red and orange are so aggressive and neon, it really takes your breath away.

Once I’d reached an all over orange-pink I thought I could somehow sleep it off and try again tomorrow. The last act of cruelty I remember is braiding my fringe away from my face.

When I woke up it was gone. My fringe was gone.

The crazy thing is it wasn’t in the bed. It’s been nine years and I still don’t know what happened to my fringe that night. 

When I watch that video of the girl burning her hair off on her curling iron and reaching for the curl thinking it’s still there, I laugh extra hard. I deserve to, I’ve felt that pain.

I had to dye all my hair black again and choreograph a series of one-clip extensions to pose as a fringe. It was GRIM believe me.

I’ll continue this thought tomorrow but right now my boyfriend has agreed to 1 dinner in exchange for 1 help with some pattern cutting for my latest obsession – a window seat cushion. It’s very important.

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