Eye surgery

I need to book an eye test. It’s been a year and a half since I had Lasik surgery, where my eyes were beamed into white hot perfection.

I can’t believe there’s a process where someone shoots a laser beam into your eyes and you live. 

And I can’t believe that I lay there whilst the man cutting my eyes open asked me hit questions such as ‘What’s working in hospitality like?‘ and ‘Do customers ever make you angry?


I’ve always had a complicated relationship with eyes.

I saw a movie once where a little boy was on a train he shouldn’t have been on, and a man (the conductor? Some guy?) gets him and holds him down and puts his thumbs into his sockets. That’s all I can tell you.  

Ever since I seen that movie I’ve been very careful with my eyeballs.

When I grew up my eyesight wasn’t great and anyone cursed with short sighted-ness can attest to the confusion of going bloody blind. It takes a while to realise.

In the meantime people think you’re snidey because your face is perpetually screwed up, looking and not seeing. People start to form a public persona independent of your real personality and believe you are wilfully ignorant of their presence/a bitch.

The first time I tried contacts, the optometrist told me that eyes have no pain when you touch them, it’s no different to touching your arm.

He said people get into their heads as children that our eyes are much more sensitive than they really are. He said we get this from shampoo going in our eyes as kids. And that it all relates back to how children resent their mothers. He said that. 

It took a while but I got over being squeamish about eyes, although I will never get over the unpleasant task of removing contacts that are dry. They create a vaccum. Or some sort of osmosis witchcraft.

I wont miss the hopeless feeling of having something stuck not only in your eye, but to your eye.  

Holidays also become a visual logistics operation. What if you lose your glasses? How do you wear sunglasses and prescription glasses at the same time? Facial tan lines?

How much contact solution do you take? What if you lose your contacts? What if you lose only one and need to wink the whole holiday? Where would you even find an eye patch?

I once went down a water slide and got a wedgie so bad I lost a contact in my eye for a moment. And don’t even start me on the apocalyptic fates of those who are visually impaired.

Anyway, it’s a hassle. Especially if you’re going travelling and already stressed about how much liquids you can take, keeping a hold of all your things and the impending soft tissue irritation.

Although so is having the surface of your eyes opened, beamed and closed over (described to me in a lie as ‘like cutting all the onions in the world at once‘) but at least it’s a one-time pain payment.

And 20/20 vision or your money back guarantee! That’s a bargain. That’s a win win.

The optical people told me I had about 45 minutes before the pain kicked in. I lived 45 minutes away. I don’t want to put anybody off ever getting it because it’s definitely the best thing that ever happened to me and I wish I’d done it ages ago, but the first six hours are a wild ride.

Initially I could have told you how many leaves were on a tree. I’d never seen leaves like that, even with contacts it was so different and woooaaahh.

But now it doesn’t seem so incredibly HD wow-ness. Is that normal? Does your brain get used to your new spangly vision? 

Or am I making it worse staring at laptops and phones? SOS.

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